Where do I begin? So many things have happened, and there were also some things that didn’t happen. After a long period of self-indulgence, I know I am finally in the mood to write and reflect. Unfortunately, I am having difficulties trying to string my thoughts into a coherent paragraph. [I had been staring at the blank screen for a long time before this.] Hence I am going to abandon all rationality – instead – dedicate my effort to penning down all feelings that are dying to burst forth right from my heart.
I was extremely emotional yesterday. The day didn’t begin well. I didn’t sleep well. I had much on my mind. My body was aching all over and I felt so cold. I went to the office with pile of work awaiting. All I wanted to do was just get this little task out of the way. Yet the online system chose to malfunction at that point in time. Argued with someone. Had to do a working lunch meeting with colleagues on a topic which befuddles me. My partner was not around to give me guidance. I was experiencing technical difficulties with my laptop. Wasting time. Work piling. Things undone. Colleagues waiting. Just then, I opened an email. For the first time at work, tears streamed down my face. I was tearing – not because I hate work – but because someone had managed to fix the online system for me earlier than expected and I was able to finish that darn little task that I wanted to complete. I am not sure if anyone can understand what I am trying to convey here, but when NOTHING is going right for you, even someone’s smile can make a drastic difference to your life. It was just a little gesture on that person’s part, yet it made all the difference in the world to me. Either that, or I was just overreacting.
From my previous paragraph, one might assume that I have pent-up grievances about work; like I am one of those whiny bitches who complains on FB about work everyday. In fact, I am not displeased about my job at all. I think I am in the right place, playing to my strengths. However, it was just a bad day. One of those unlucky days where all misfortunes deliberately convene to give you a hard time. It was antagonizing, I have to admit, being in that situation where you can only crash and burn with no autonomy. At that point in time, I kept telling myself, “Sophia, no one admires a weakling. No one really cares if you are hurt or sad. People want things done at work. Be professional. If you cry, people might sympathize with you momentarily, but they will know your weakness. Stop crying. Remember all the strong women whom you admire so much.” I literally willed myself into braving through the storm. Focus on the task at hand, one step at a time. At the end of the day, no one noticed a thing. In other people’s eyes, I was exactly like my usual cheery self.
I thought I would never survive yesterday, but as always, human beings are so much stronger and more resilient than they perceive themselves to be. When I reached home, an unprecedented sense of relief washed over me. Believe it or not, I was thankful. Thankful that I am employed, being productive and contributing to a greater goal. Thankful that I am earning my own keep and standing independently on both feet. Thankful to come home to family and dinner. Thankful to be alive. Thankful to come across obstacles and overcoming them. It is then I realise that one’s moral character is most tested in face of adversity. Granted my adversity is no big deal compared to a mountaineer who conquers heights, but I think everyone has their own unspeakable problems and Achilles’ heels. And to me, being able to get through a day like that and still seeing the beauty in life, it is immensely gratifying. This may sound trite again, but attitude and perspective really makes or breaks a person.
My first month at work has finally ended. My job consists of challenging, highly demanding and fast-paced work, but as I mentioned earlier, I believe I am the right fit because 1) I like to write, and 2) I like to serve. When I find time, I will elaborate on these two points further. This job would definitely not be suitable if I were married with children or if I were old-aged. Being young, I can afford to sacrifice much of my personal time in exchange for a wide variety of exposures. If I am not challenging myself now, there would be even less incentive for me to challenge myself in future as I mature and age. I think every job is stressful and tiring in its own way, but what makes the difference is indeed the person’s attitude and outlook in life.
[to be continued]